It was nice for me as a child because I guess I only heard the core truth of it, as people always try to hide the bad things from children, so it was with the religion. So I had a lovely relationship with Jesus and Mary and the angels and God. I would pick flowers and take them to Mary's statue in school the next day. Just as I did with the fairies and elven folk from my books, where I would leave them Sindy shoes and clothes in little packages under my pillow. I believed that I could pray for sunshine and that it would happen for me. And you know, it often would.
I lost this as I grew up. I saw the badness gradually seeping through the cracks in a beautifully-painted-by-Michelangelo ceiling. I saw things and heard things that made me start questioning everything. Instead of angels, I was being watched and spied on by spirits or demons or by the saints in heaven who would be there 24 hours a day, judging me, a doubting Thomas. There was no escape.
I had 3 children (to whom I never passed on a religious upbringing as I didn't believe in it anymore). My son declared to me that there was no God when he was just 5 years old, so I too tried atheism for a while. That didn't suit me either. I believed in energy, because I could feel it, but had come to detest the word 'God' whilst the name 'Jesus Christ' made me cringe.
This period that I went through I believe they call 'The Dark Night of the Soul'. It took me nearly 10 years to escape the fear that had begun with my doubts.
A new awakening began when I turned 38 years old. I found 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne, which was a revelation to me - it worked, it really did! I asked for things and they came. I won something on the lottery every week for 2 months that I did it.
Somehow after a couple of months that didn't feel 'whole' either, and then I discovered Abraham Hicks. Esther Hicks channels a consciousness called Abraham and the insights it gives are just incredible, beautiful. After a while this didn't seem to be 'whole' either. So I read books by Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Deepak Chopra. I became more fascinated with extra-terrestrial subjects. I learned that the world is not as the media would have us believe. I learned that the media, the banks, the schools, pharmaceuticals, agriculture, the government etc are controlled by very secret corporations who all seem to have the same wealthy families at the very top involved.
Thats when my dreams began to reveal stranger things. Things I knew deep inside that had been covered up and confused with insane thoughts and ideas.
The morning I awoke with the word 'Atanasia' in my ears was a deeply awakening moment. My husband was part of it as he awoke with me and I googled the word on his phone. I still feel the euphoria of absolute knowing this truth from my dream vision. Of knowing that I am not alone, that I am immortal, that we are all connected, that there is no great judge.
After my following dream in which I was visited by a teacher, Kenneth Wapnick, I began to read 'A Course in Miracles'. It is a complete self-study spiritual thought system. No groups are needed, no churches, no temples, just me and my mind.
And so began a new chapter in my life. My spirit feels free again, though I would never consider myself 'spiritual', I do not see the need for titles.
And so began a new chapter in my life. My spirit feels free again, though I would never consider myself 'spiritual', I do not see the need for titles.
I still have the fairies of my childhood, the ghosts of that magical time spent playing and reading, I still have the creatures from ancient myth and legend - they never left. They transformed with me.
But I also have the bigger picture back. Call it God, Creator, Source, Spirit, Richard, Julie, whatever, it doesn't matter. It is connected to me, it is the real me, and I can feel it.
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